Funnies

“They say marriage is a contract. No it isn’t. Contracts come with warranties. When something goes wrong, you can take it back to the manufacturer. But if your husband starts acting up, you can’t take him back to his mama’s house: ‘I don’t know; he just stopped working. He’s laying around making a funny noise.’”
—COMEDIAN WANDA SYKES

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. - Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office. - Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? - Jean Cocturan

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. - Darrin Weinberg

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Dont worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia!