Who am I?

If I keep this up, I’ll be at one entry per month. Not very entertaining is it? :-p Ok so here goes, a little something that’s upset The Force recently.

How do you define yourself?

Do you judge the face in the mirror every morning, or is your self worth determined by other people?

I guess most of us rely on a balance of both. Personally, I know my weaknesses and faults to a point although I try not to think of them all the time, kinda depresses me J Perhaps I don’t consciously work on self-improvement on a daily basis (you know, the stick your mantras on the bathroom mirror and repeat them while brushing your teeth kind) but I think I have changed, for the better in some ways.

But that change, motivated by external factors or otherwise, has to come from within. I need to want to change that part of me, or else it will forever be a struggle to keep to a certain behaviour. Having said that, what you and I define as proper and good behaviour is different, stemming from our backgrounds, culture, beliefs and principles in life.

So what then, when people disapprove of your behaviour? And I’m not talking about any random person but someone you truly care about? And what happens when you are labelled as such-and-such a person? It’s all fine and dandy if it’s a label you agree you ‘wear’ in your behaviour, but what if it’s demeaning and negative and you disagree? It’s not as simple as saying well I know who I am and I’m not that. Because when it’s someone who you think knows you, the judgement hits you like a ton of bricks. You feel it like a knife in your gut.

And then you wonder, you try and distance yourself from the situation and think of yourself in the third person and ask yourself, is this really how people see me? And then you get angry and throw a hissy fit! :-P Ok, so maybe I’m not the most reflective person in the world, but I am pretty in touch with the inner me, be it the she-devil or angel I (sometimes) am. And today I made a decision that at the very end of things, only my opinion should count (barring the influence of alcohol, drugs, depression, insanity and other things that would alter my perception of reality).

Because even people whom I love, and who love me, sometimes see me in either rose-tinted reading glasses or darkened sunglasses. And that their opinions about my bad or good behaviour are mostly suited to their own personalities, needs and wants. Love, my friends, is definitely not unconditional, especially when it falls to frail humanity to love. So I'm not going to be judged, not by man at least.

Sometimes I wish I could email the Big Man upstairs and ask Him, “Hey God, Is this meant to be? Like am I on the right road or what? Couldn’t You kinda push me in the direction You want me to go?” But until Heaven gets wired, I’ll have to make do with my decisions and a little guesswork about what He wants. Or, I could pray.